Latest Update

I’ve spent the last 3 days fighting a cold, something I can scant afford with cancer dominating the arena, so the hospice has delivered an oxygen device, guaranteed my comfort until I depart this planet along with some serious medication commitments.

Dying appears to be more complicated than movies and TV suggest, however, Elaine has much of this in hand and although I’m not pleased at my passing I am physically comfortable to say the least.

Meanwhile I lie here in bed with this vexing question of “Am I being objective or what?” Personally, I don’t think that objectivity is even remotely possible given the current circumstances, so let’s not look for any. This blog will just be a day by day brain dump that hopefully conveys this abstract end-of-life process I am going through.

For those wishing to visit, just email me at the following address after removing all the underscores “_” from the address:

k_backmann@sbc_global.net

I will provide relevant info about time and place.

Prognosis

Neither my pet bear (Dr. Kilbear) nor its symbolic companion (Jesus Gently Nailed to the Cross) reliquary beat the evil “C” word into submission so I will state the following bluntly:

1) It appears that I have moved a notch in the ratings to terminal
2) Prognosis is a couple of months or weeks
3) No, this is not a practical joke

Given all of the adverse reactions I’ve had to treatment, it might just be what’s necessary and I appear to be okay with the prognosis.

As for all of my friends, I can’t thank you enough and I want you to know that I welcome visitors in the upcoming months. If you contact me here or on FB I will send you an email with phone and address information and we can schedule a visit.

To the best of my knowledge Elaine and I will not be pursuing any additional treatments, not out of despair but from the perspective of quality of life, and the only two chemo options have a 15% success rate but would not buy any real time that I could guarantee quality life standards. Besides, the list of possible side effects is long enough to warrant passing up these desperate options.

I hope I get to see some of you in the weeks remaining. You have all been amazing over the last 29.9 years and I’m certain your best work lies ahead.

Love from Kevin and Elaine

Ouch!

1. Since I’ve been diagnosed with cancer I’ve suffered the following related ailments:
2. Pneumonia
3. Diabetes
4. Blood sugar maxing out at 512
5. Dry Heaves
6. Vomiting
7. Depression
8. Exhaustion
9. Loss of Appetite
10. Loss of Weight (50 lbs)
11. Fallen 4 times at the behest of Sir Issac Newton
12. 14 or so stitches to the top of me head
13. Assorted Battered Ribs
14. Two Stays in Medical City
15. One Stay at Baylor

All of this in 121 days, if all goes according to plan I don’t have any doctor induced procedures and I don’t even see a doc until early December so I’m hoping that these events taper off. Maybe my appetite can be reclaimed in the interim; I would actually like to fit at least in some of my wardrobe.
Later…

Books at Last

I finally made it to Borders and my 2 purchased books lie to my left as I listen to Joe Zawinul wail away on some of his standards (currently “Black Market”) as I admire my newly purchased tomes, their covers, table of contents and fine choice of typeface. The covers are shiny, the pages unstained and unread.
Apparently, no matter what my current state of affairs may be, family, books and music remains a high priority. Now, if I can only get my appetite to follow.
Sunday an AA meeting will be on my agenda followed by a weeks’ worth of activity in just 3 days on Monday. I see Dr. Bluntzer Monday afternoon, Dr. Denham on Tuesday for an MRI and some perfunctory poking and prodding, wrapping up on Wednesday when I return to my former place of employment to say thanks and pay heartfelt goodbye.
Hope I have the stamina, I’ll keep you posted.

Gamma Rays From the Planet Baylor

This gamma ray surgery was not as bloody as you would think from its name, it was painless excepting the tight fitting mask used to hold your head steady and coordinate gamma ray blasts to specific points on the brain. Twenty minutes and it’s all over but for the fatigue, which is still lingering. Compared to some of what’s been done it was cake walk.
Spiritually I must say I’ve hit a low point the last couple of weeks, so much for “love and tolerance is our code.” So to that end I am going rededicate myself to the idea we are all one, we all share the same destination although not the same journey’s and I and everyone else one this planet have a purpose, and it isn’t my job to tell them what it is.
I’ve reconnected with some friends to attend more Al-Anon meetings, and hope as my strength increases to extend that to AA as well. So you will be seeing me some these next weeks and I’ll truly be glad to cross your path.

Two-Entry Day

I’ve finally stepped out of the shadow of despair and into the autumn gloom, quite an upgrade for my frame of mind. If I’ve learned anything from this cancerous ordeal is that I really don’t have the liberty of indulging in some extended stay in a pit of self indulgent pity. Wow, poor me and all those other individuals with terminal disease (like my cool father-in-law). I stand in some mighty fine company and should be honored for all the cool company I have on this leg of the journey.
Finally, I called the office where I once worked and made some tentative arrangements to say good‑bye, which seemed impossible a mere 24 hours ago. Personally I think that ‘closure’ is one of those thera-speak agenda items, but this seemed to be necessary to do. Again, I can’t thank my wife Elaine for keeping that channel open and badgering me enough to stop being argumentative and acquiesce to one of life’s simple requests, “Ain’t it about time for you to get off your chemo’ed skinny ass and participate?”
My request to my dearly beloved readership of 5 is that you direct all those good vibes you’ve been sending my way to include my loving father-in-law as well, the cancer demon has been overly active as of late.
More to follow…

Damn, This is difficult

I have not blogged lately for a number of reasons:

Each time I’ve had something therapeutic done I suffered the worst off all possible side effects. Dry heaves, nausea, brain cells gone MIA and I’ve been falling too. Gravity beckons and I’m like “I’m on my way Isaac.” Three falls, 14 stitches on the top ‘o’ me head and another fall that landed me back in the hospital for three or four days. Enough gravitational events for now

Neuropathy has crippled me. My hands and arms are gnarled to an extent that I cannot type very well. Really bad news if you’re programmer, but I’m no longer a programmer as I had to resign my position and long term disability is now my only gig other than this blog

I’ve fried enough neurons with brain radiation that I can no longer compose a complete sentence, the verbs and nouns come in mangled thought packets that need some sorting out.

Despair. It finally showed up but I was quite depressed for at least two weeks and I’ve had to rouse myself from this self-induced torpor, hence the blog resurrection. Thanks to Elaine my best advocate & wife that appears to be passing

Last procedure done was yesterday, a gamma ray knife that cleaned out the tumor in my medulla. Thankfully its primary lingering ailment is fatigue

So, there will be more blogging, of the one-finger-typing variety. Hey it’s my only job at the moment besides getting well, so I’m sure I’ll have something to say